You say---> She say <--- I say
You say you love her,
so why abuse her.
She screams "I love you"
but you turn away.
She grabs your hand, and you slap her.
She said "I don't want you to leave."
You say "I have to go"
She grabbed you once more,
and you grabbed her by the neck.
I see perfume bottles hit the floor.
I hear her screaming.
I counted "1, 2, 3."
I hear her screaming.
I counted "1, 2, 3."
She screams "I'm bleeding."
You grabbed her hair, and dragged her across the floor"
She yells "Stop,
Stop! Please stop…"
You grabbed the keys and locked the door.
You grabbed her hair, and dragged her across the floor"
She yells "Stop,
Stop! Please stop…"
You grabbed the keys and locked the door.
I say "let him go."
She says "I love him too much."
I say "leave him alone."
She says "I can't."
I say "he will kill you."
She says "I can't live without him."
I say "to be continued"
She says "I love him too much."
I say "leave him alone."
She says "I can't."
I say "he will kill you."
She says "I can't live without him."
I say "to be continued"
Reading this poem reminded me of watching a movie from three different points of views. It was interesting and entertaining. I disliked the ending, left me wanting to know more
ReplyDeleteyou use your personal life into this poem which is brilliant, The visuals of the poem I can see what you are going through and realizing your surroundings of your situation. Your poem also reminded me of a monologue style which is awesome.
ReplyDeleteWOW! Nice flow of words, on point especially towards the end. This poem was very interesting and the fact that you used your own personal life made it more interesting.Thanks for sharing it with us. You captured it so well from all three points of view, I felt as if I was there.
ReplyDeleteMy Favorite Part and Not so Favorite Part:
My favorite part was the ending, it was a great cliffhanger which made me wwanna know what would happen next.
But then I was upset because of the cliffhanger, so I did and didn't like that part.
The poem was good. The message was very clear but I didn't like the ending. I would have liked to know what would it take for her to learn if she ever did.
ReplyDeleteI actually like the ending. I don't know if it's meant to be ironic, but the way I read the ending is this: "to be continued," you say, in a tone that is disappointed. Because if I were to see this cycle, I would wish it to end. I wouldn't want it to continue. I can relate, I have seen this cycle and hoped that it would end.
ReplyDeleteI especially liked the flow in the beginning and running towards the middle. However, around the end the flow kind of got distorted by the frequent shift in perspective. The description got overtaken by the narration.
In the beginning there was a nice balance. For example
"She screams 'I love you'
But you turn away."
There might be a way for you to omit saying who is talking around the end, because at that point we know who will be saying who because you already described the different perspectives early on. That is, if that's what you want to do.
On a sidenote, is this your work in the background? It's beautiful!
- Ira Montano
Nope! The background is from my bf computer. Unfortunately, that's the only pic big enough to be my background. I try adding my artwork but google keep denying all the background I choose.
Deletevery interesting poem. i think the only thing that you have to fix is your grammar in some parts of it; and to me the ending is a little bit repetitive "she say, i say"
ReplyDeleteLol true. My grammar is bad, I appreciate the honesty. I'm not much of a poem writer. I usually write stories. I try to make it sound like a poem. :-)
DeleteI like it, and you should turn this into a short story. I feel like allot more has to be said and a poem is not doing it justice, but it definitely wheels the reader in. I wheeled me in.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I didn't turn it into a story. But I did manage to squeeze it into a play. I will post my play tomorrow afternoon. I can't turn it into a short story because I don't want the events to be out of order. It's too much to write about. But I hope you like my play :-) its a continuation of the poem.
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